Chillin on the beach in Miami in my all-white bikini and just for a little while I don’t have a single care in the world. This weather is unbelievably perfect. Not too cool and not too hot; the humidity is low and my hair is thankful. There’s an awesome oceanic breeze blowing that tickles my skin. (Teehee) The sun is shining ever so brightly in the baby blue sky interspersed with little white wispy clouds; it looks like it was freshly painted on an empty canvass. When I close my eyes I find the sound of the waves crashing into the shoreline so soothing and relaxing. All of the people surrounding me: the seemingly happy large families, the pregnant young mother and her adorable toddler playing in the sand, the random single muscle men jogging by in speedos, the groups of 20s-30s something girl friends/guy friends drinking and partying, the random dude sitting solo in the cut people watching, the stoned beach bum who is flying a colorful kite by himself, the cute young couples scattered about holding hands and exchanging little hugs and kisses; all of them are having a good time; we are having a good time. And even though I wish you were here, I’m all smiles and am able to enjoy the moment. I think I’ll daydream a bit while sipping my beer… #Cheers
There it is.
It’s happening again.
It’s taking over and holding my cognitions hostage.
My heart rate is increasing as the excitement pulses through my tiny blue veins.
My blood pressure is elevated and not due to genetics and/or too much salt.
I’m over here smiling to myself.
Can you picture my incredibly huge, radiating smile?
Now I’m closing my sultry brown eyes, inhaling through my nose and exhaling through my mouth as I bask in your sweet memory.
I can almost smell your manly scent.
My goodness, I can almost still… (eh hem; clears throat) feel… you……
Mmmm, that flashback.
So exactly two weeks ago, after church class (RCIA), I went to the grocery store to pick up some last minute food items in order to complete my prep cook for the rest of the work week. I typically do this on Sundays, but I had a lazy Sunday after getting into some shenanigans the Saturday before and opted out of my normal prep cooking ritual. I recall being extremely tired as it was almost 9:30pm when I was walking into the local whack ass Food Lion (I was definitely too lazy to drive out of the way to Safeway or Wegmans). I skimmed my list as I darted thru the produce, meat, and frozen food sections. “I just want to get the hell home”, I thought repeatedly to myself. I spent all of 10/15 min gathering my necessities in that bad boy before heading to the checkout line. “Almost there!” I thought to myself.
While the young kid is scanning and bagging my items, I have him stop to scan my discount card so I can throw my keys back into my pocket. I also swipe my check card so I can put my wallet away. I’m telling you I was focused on getting home asap! The kid seems nervous for some reason. He’s smiling awkwardly at me and trying to make small chit chat, but I’m thinking, “Look man, not today, because you are not focusing on the scanning and bagging”. LOL. I’m not rude, so of course I indulge him. We get to the last item, my pink lady apples…Three of them in the bag, ready to rock. But, of course we run into an issue where all of a sudden the scale isn’t working so he’s unable to price the apples. He tries a few tricks to get the machine going, however, all failed. I tell him, “Don’t worry, thank you. I can leave without the apples. I’m ready to pay”. He apologizes and I smiled politely while thinking, “Damn, I will have to return to the store another time”, because there was no way I was going to complete that transaction and start a new one in another line.
Now while this is going down, the patron behind me sparks up conversation. I did recognize him from the week before when he was actually behind me in line when I came to the store for items after church on Ash Wednesday. He said, “Excuse me Miss, don’t I know you from somewhere?”. Sigh…..I replied with, “No, you don’t, but I do recall you being behind me last week when we were shopping here”. His face lit up as he said, “Yes, that’s right, and you are looking beautiful as ever”. Sigh…… “Thank you sir”, I said. He’s an older gentleman probably in his late 40s, a little heavy set, with kind eyes. He was appropriate and polite, but since my last break up I have been turned off from other males trying to holla and/or even give me complements (Idk, I’m in a weird place at the moment), I’m just not ready to entertain all of that yet.
Welp, my transaction is complete. I say goodnight to both him and the young employee and I’m out. It was cold as a mutha out, but I was excited to be closer to being home. I pop open Lucille’s trunk (She’s my car) toss them groceries, push the cart to the cart holder, and jump in my car. As I was jumping in, the gentleman that was behind me in line briskly walked over to my car with a skimp bag. He’s says with the biggest, and no lie, kind of creepy grin ever, “Miss, here’s your apples!”. I smiled and even felt a little moved. I said, “You purchased my apples? Wow, I appreciate you doing that”. He said, “It was my pleasure, have a good night”. He turned, walked away, and got into his car.
I took a second to thank God for that moment, but keep in mind it was a short second because I had to dip out of that parking lot and make sure I wasn’t followed. I’m hypervigilant. I appreciate any acts of kindness I receive, because for some reason I don’t get them often (Perhaps I’m too independent for my own good sometimes). Hmmmm….
Thanks for reading.
“Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold.”
—Zelda Fitzgerald (1900-1948), Writer
I ran across this quote this morning and it provoked a few different thoughts and emotions. I think it is a beautiful quote. Right after reading it, I smiled. I like to think of myself as an individual with a big heart. I tend to always come from a loving place. Some people say that when you love somebody, you love them. But, with all of that said, I’ve had the opportunity to fall in and out of love. Sometimes things look and feel different once the smoke clears. It’s amazing how things, including love, change over time……
Hope you enjoyed reading! Stay up lovebirds!
Over the weekend I gave myself some time to just sit and think; it was quite lovely, really. Randomly I started thinking about the terms, “friend”, “best friend” and “boyfriend” (significant other). I started to recall those who have held these positions in my life and how many changes have occurred over the years (totally experienced the full spectrum of emotion, lol, sigh…..). I also thought about the value I’ve placed on these positions, both in the past and present, and started speculating how much I would value them in the future…..
What I realized is that it’s very nice to have friends and a significant other, you know, people you are supposed to be able to trust, experience life with, and create memories with; people you can share mutual love, respect, and concern with. However, as I get older, I find that though I still put value on relationships, I definitely feel less pressure to have and maintain them, especially when it requires too much effort on my part.
I believe that true friends and true love develop and persist effortlessly. And I can honestly say that those are the only relationships I’m interesting in having. I’ve been working my way through a few folks by taking a step back and clearly seeing our current relationship dynamic. Readers, I challenge you to give this some thought in your own lives, you may discover something. I concluded those thoughts for now and will probably consider the following another time: The relationships I may have grown out of, the ones that are unequal, the ones that are emotionally draining, and the ones that are irrelevant. I rather keep focus on the relationships that matter in moving forward.
Thank you for stopping by and being a part of my journey as I get closer to being the best woman I can be. This is what it’s all about, supporting each other in reaching our individual life goals (#unitedindependence). We live and we learn, and if we’re lucky we also grow and advance.
I saw this foto online and immediately started cracking up. First of all, anyone who truly knows me, knows how much I love The Simpson’s. Second of all, as a result I recalled this epsiode. Hahahahahahaha!!! It was such a good one.
But, as my chuckling and cackling subsided, I poked out my bottom lip while my heart filled with intense sadness. It was in this moment that I was able to directly identify with Ralph. Oh! I too will be alone, without gift, love, and fun on Valentine’s Day! Le Sighhhhhh….
Hmph! Not so funny anymore! Pffffff!
Lol, hope you enjoyed reading. #happyfriday Lovebirds aka go choke on ur romance. Lol
Because even through the difficult times you are able to put a smile on my face. And even when we are distant and fighting our own battles, I am still able to feel close to you. You make me feel comfortable to present my vulnerabilities so that you may see me for who I am; you follow that up with full respect for me and you always have my best interest at heart. I think about you not only when I’m bored and/or lonely, but when I’m extremely busy and preoccupied with my own business. I typically say that I do what I want, but with you, I’m willing to communicate, compromise, and make small sacrifices to be with you. I want to share things with you, from funny jokes to the mundane happenings at work, and in turn, I am eager to learn new things about you. When I see you and all that you do, not only am I proud of you, but I admire you and want to be your personal cheerleader. If you need help, I wouldn’t think twice about helping you. Though I don’t really care too much for the mushy stuff, I see your face and want to smother it with kisses and give you long, loving hugs. Awww. When I’m out shopping I see things that you may like and want to get it for you. I don’t mind to cook for you; I’d cook for you every day if that’s what you wanted. I’m already pretty damn awesome as is, but you inspire me to be an even better person. You inspire me in a lot of ways, like you even inspire me to do unexpected things to surprise you…….. (wink). Lastly, I’m not perfect, but you love me anyway. So, you know how I know that I love you? Because, I love all of you, as you are; for me you are the best!
PSA: It’s ok to love, don’t be afraid to express it! Hope you enjoyed reading! Just another one of my random ramblings…..
Stay up, love birds! 😉
Ping (I took a screenshot of this foto. ;-P)
I woke up this morning extremely angry. Without getting into too much detail, a close friend acted in such a way that had left me feeling unappreciated and disvalued. Those two emotions were intense for me. What I was actually feeling was HURT by it, but it was displayed as ANGER. #TeamAries, SMH; them damn Aries.
Anyway, as one could imagine, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and chose to start my day, another day the Good Lord has allowed me to see, terribly wrong. It’s amazing how we allow others to occupy our mental spaces. I chose to fill my mental space with negativity; I internalized my friend’s actions and viewed myself negatively.
I started doubting myself and told myself that I did something wrong. I told myself I was getting what I deserved, because, I mean, why else would my friend treat me that way? Then I started questioning whether or not I brought value to anyone’s life. Sounds dramatic, right? But, keep in mind that I’m just sharing my thoughts. Those were just thoughts that I’m not afraid to admit having; we all have thoughts.
Before you judge and start formulating your feedback, remember that in spite of my profession as a behavioral health therapist, I am only human, far from perfect, and totally not above experiencing emotional pain. I checked my BS quickly, however, turned it around, and went on about my day. I had to snap out of it I guess. So, the morning progressed, I put my jams on; I was good. WOOSAH!
Now, getting to the point of this blog post…I received an email from a former client I worked with about two years ago. In all honesty, I barely remembered her as I see a lot of people where I work. But, she definitely remembered me and wanted to share her wonderful story with me. Please allow me to paraphrase some of what she wrote.
She pleasantly and casually addressed the letter to me and indicated she wanted to thank me. My eyes filled with tears as I read on. She goes on to say that though she was mandated to attend the program I work for, the group therapy sessions she attended with me helped her to change her outlook on life. She mentioned that while participating in the program she was in a long term and long distant relationship with a guy who was living outside of the country, who she was planning to marry. Also at that time she was working as a room attendant at a large hotel chain just to pay for her therapy and court fines, all while attending classes at the community college.
The good news she wanted to share is that she’s currently a junior at a four year university, got a promotion at her current job to an assistant manager, and is now married to a man she met online! She described her husband as “right” for her and she’s happy. At the end of her letter she reflected on an exercise I provided to the group in which I asked them to complete a Vision Board (from the Oprah website). I provided all of the materials. The last paragraph of her letter is as follows: “I did an exercise in your class which I think was called a vision board. I cut out pictures of the magazines, and wrote on the back of the pictures what I wanted, and provided details as to how long I wanted to accomplish these goals, and what I wanted for myself. This made me re-evaluate what I wanted in a true relationship for my life, as well as career, and spiritual life. These cut outs were placed on my door to my room, and Although a portion of them have been completed, I am now working on a vision board with my husband, and I wanted to share this brief story with you. I am thankful for the way in which you provided the experience.”
WOW! I was incredibly touched and happy for her successes. I thought to myself that her letter couldn’t have come at a better time. It reinforced that I do have value to others and though it’s not always revealed to me, people do appreciate me. It’s obviously a bit self-defeating to put myself down and discredit my worth, but hey, it happens sometimes. Her letter really helped to lift my spirits. Looks like things went full circle, huh? Today I was reminded of how grateful I am for the career I’ve chosen, and honestly how proud I am of myself and my accomplishments. As the saying goes, we are our own worst critic.
May we all continue to be blessed! Note: this post was written on 10/14/14, but posted today. As always, thank you for reading.
Sometimes when it rains, it pours, but when it clears, you really appreciate the sweet sunshine. 🙂