R.I.P.

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I have mentally and emotionally prepared myself to bid farewell to the bruised little girl who still lives deep inside of me. The little girl who is trapped between the ages of birth to five years of old; The little girl who is uncertain about the consistency of her caregiving, essentially, the consistency of her world; The little girl who unfortunately taught herself to feel comfortable all alone; The little girl who believes that she is unworthy of love; The little girl that carries the shame and guilt of her family; The little girl who has seen too much too fast; The little girl who dissociates when experiencing pain/trauma; The little girl who doesn’t fully understand why they did what they did and why they left her; The little girl with fear and sadness in her heart, yet bravery in her soul, which can be seen through her gentle, little eyes.

Hey there little pretty girl that God has made. You have blossomed into a wonderful, joy of a woman. It’s ok; you’re safe and have been safe for quite some time. Look my little ninja, we made it! There’s that beautiful smile little girl! Come over to me and give me a warm hug. Dry your eyes and look at me. Let’s not live in and/or relive the past, because I want to fully live here in the present. I want to be right here in the present where not only am I safe, but there’s consistency; Life is simple and enjoyable; I don’t carry the family’s shame and guilt, or even my own, Dammit!; I am not being traumatized; I am by no means alone and have people around me I can trust; I am worthy of love and receive love; My strength and courage to face my world is intact and even admired by others…..

Little girl, I have nothing but respect for you because you did what you could to the fullest extent of your ability for us, but your job is absolutely done. I hope you can trust that I can and will take it from here. It’s time for us to deliver our valedictions. So long little girl… May you REST IN PEACE.

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True Colors

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Though most colors are beautiful, everyone’s true colors aren’t… If u are giving, ya bet your sweet ass people are taking! But let’s be real, that doesn’t mean that they value you… Make sure you stay clear on that.

Thanks for stopping by and joining me as I learn thru experience; let’s learn these life lessons together.

#happyhumpday

Time Well Spent

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I ran across this on FB and it left me pondering. I have an idea of how I think things should be, but what I actually have doesn’t quite meet that expectation. We all know that things not meeting your expectations typically equals disappointment. However, in this case it isn’t a bad thing at all. After seeing my significant other in his environment and around his friends, while he was in the zone, I was provided with a new perspective and understanding about who he is. One’s friends can provide a lot of insight about a person. No one is perfect, and we may not vibe well in a few areas, but he is truly something and I’m delighted that our paths had the opportunity to cross. Though things with us are a bit unconventional, and sometime seem more complicated than I feel is necessary, we both have clearly invested time and the experience is priceless. Invested time is a big deal because time ain’t cheap! Word to the wise, if you feel like you are wasting time, then simply stop. Guess we’ll rock until one of us decides to stop.

**Raises Glass** Until then……

Frustration…

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Frustration is a general symptom of the “Things just aren’t going my way” Syndrome.  Likewise, it is a common symptom of the “Everyone around me  f***ing sucks and I keep hoping that they’ll stop f***ing sucking, but they never f***ing do” Syndrome.

I am typically optimistic and hopeful, but today the frustrations are running ever so high and I’m honestly baffled by the things that keep happening. I have been sitting back and watching out for people’s words to finally match their behavior(s) and after so many consecutive fails, my hopefulness decreases after each instance. Damn, is it going to get better? Sh*t! Or will my hopefulness decrease until there’s nothing left?

Ever feel like you wanna gouge your own eyeballs out and disconnect? Don’t tell me I’m the only one. :-\ I’m asking for the good Lord to give me strenf aka strength!

#happywednesday hope you enjoyed the read. Feel free to like and/or comment. LoL. This post was triggered by me running across the attached meme and actually having a really stressful day. But, know that I’m a boss, am grabbing the day by its balls, and making it do what it do. Don’t let anything/anyone bring you down my loves! *Muahz*


That instrumental doe….. “Frustration” lol.

I N S A N I T Y

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Ever do something repeatedly knowing that the consequence of your choice is going to impact you negatively? You set yourself up for failure and disappointment every time, but you do it because you force yourself to see a glimmer of hope; that miniscule piece of hope that whispers in your ear, “Grab on to my pantaloons! I bet this is the time that it will be different.” You know what I’m talking about….

Whether it be kissing your boss’ ass in hopes of getting a raise that you will never get; all you are left with is reduced self-respect and a mouf full of ass. (Tragic)

Whether it may be with a “best friend” you are always there for who in turn doesn’t have your back; all you are left with is a one-sided relationship that makes you feel like a cheaper hooker with a nappy wig and torn fishnets. (Foul)

Whether it’s you never losing weight though you are constantly on a diet. They said you can have a cheat day….”a” as in one!; all you are left with are nice curves, if you are lucky, and a beer gut. (Not cute)

Whether it’s with a romantic interest that you display your love and affection to knowing he/she isn’t capable of being the man/woman you want and need; all you are left with are feelings of rejection and heartache. (Tinder vs. POF)

Whether it be you drinking like a fish knowing you are a two drink minimum; all you are left with is the hangover of all time, again. (Get yo life)

I can continue, but I think you get the point, lol, though I’m being a little silly here. They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results…… Hmmmm…… Something to think about, huh? What will it take to break yourself from this pattern?

Writing this random post made me think of this song. Hope you enjoyed it. I Love Zedd; he’s fun! This jam is one of my favs.

Maxin’ n Relaxin’

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Chillin on the beach in Miami in my all-white bikini and just for a little while I don’t have a single care in the world. This weather is unbelievably perfect. Not too cool and not too hot; the humidity is low and my hair is thankful. There’s an awesome oceanic breeze blowing that tickles my skin. (Teehee) The sun is shining ever so brightly in the baby blue sky interspersed with little white wispy clouds; it looks like it was freshly painted on an empty canvass. When I close my eyes I find the sound of the waves crashing into the shoreline so soothing and relaxing. All of the people surrounding me: the seemingly happy large families, the pregnant young mother and her adorable toddler playing in the sand, the random single muscle men jogging by in speedos, the groups of 20s-30s something girl friends/guy friends drinking and partying, the random dude sitting solo in the cut people watching, the stoned beach bum who is flying a colorful kite by himself, the cute young couples scattered about holding hands and exchanging little hugs and kisses; all of them are having a good time; we are having a good time. And even though I wish you were here, I’m all smiles and am able to enjoy the moment. I think I’ll daydream a bit while sipping my beer… #Cheers

FLASHBACK

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OMG!
There it is.
It’s happening again.
It’s uncontrollable.
It’s taking over and holding my cognitions hostage.
My heart rate is increasing as the excitement pulses through my tiny blue veins.
My blood pressure is elevated and not due to genetics and/or too much salt.
Wait!
What’s this?
I’m over here smiling to myself.
Can you picture my incredibly huge, radiating smile?
Now I’m closing my sultry brown eyes, inhaling through my nose and exhaling through my mouth as I bask in your sweet memory.
I can almost smell your manly scent.
My goodness, I can almost still… (eh hem; clears throat) feel… you……
Mmmm, that flashback.

#HappyHumpDay 

Zero F*cks Given

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Often, our blogs have taglines. But, what if humans did too? What would your taglines be? 

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I’m actually so random and unpredictable that several different taglines could be used to represent me, but at the time of seeing this writing prompt, “Zero Fucks Given” is what comes to mind. I’m counting down to the wonderful age of 30; 14 more days; OMG exactly 2 weeks from today, eeeeeek! And do you know what’s funny? I actually feel different. Though it’s been a gradual uphill struggle getting up to this point, I feel like only within the past 3 – 6 months have I realized the many significant changes within my mind, body, and spirit. Some people may share my sentiments and some people may scoff and think that my age ain’t nothing but a number. Shrugs, I dunno, I’m just going by how I am currently thinking and feeling. 

These days I am less anxious, more calm, and easygoing. I have more understanding and acceptance, especially of the people, places, things, and events that I cannot change. I love myself more and appreciate my true beauty. I feel more confident and have the motivation and courage to do what I want. My people-pleasing days seem to be coming to a close. Regardless of the fake ass, hardcore bullshiggity people spit from their mouths about not caring about what other people think about them, we all want to be liked/loved, valued, and appreciated. Me included! But, as I’ve mentioned in a previous post, this is less important to me than it was in my previous years. I figure that as long as I like me, God has my back, and I’m ok with my thoughts, feelings, and actions, then I’m good to go! 

I want to share something with you… Given my unconventional upbringing in a substance abusing household, I have developed what those in the mental health profession refer to as  dun, dun, duuuuuunnnnn, “codependency issues”. According to merriam-webster.com. codependency is a psychological condition in which someone is in an unhealthy relationship that involves living with and providing care for another person (such as a drug addict or an alcoholic); as a psychological condition or relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition; dependence on the needs of or control by another. According to Codependency for Dummies, symptoms are as follows:

Low self-esteem

Not liking or accepting yourself

Feeling you’re inadequate in some way

Thinking you’re not quite enough

Worrying you are or could be a failure

Concerned with what other people think about you

Perfectionism

Pleasing others and giving up yourself

Poor boundaries

Boundaries that are too weak and there’s not enough separateness between you and your partner

Boundaries that are too rigid and keep you from being close

Boundaries that flip back and forth between too close and too rigid

Reactivity

Dysfunctional Communication

Difficulty expressing thoughts and feelings

Difficulty setting boundaries — saying “No” or stopping abuse

Abusive language

Lack of assertiveness about your needs

Dependency

Afraid of being alone or out of a relationship

Feeling trapped in a bad relationship and unable to leave

Relying too much on others opinions

Intimacy problems

Avoidance of closeness

Losing yourself

Trying to control or manipulate others

Feeling trapped in a dysfunctional relationship

Denial

Denial of codependency

Denial about a painful reality in your relationship

Denial of your feelings

Denial of your needs

Caretaking

Control

Controlling your own feelings

Managing and controlling people in your life; telling them what to do

Manipulating others to feel or behave like you want (people pleasing is a manipulation)

Obsessions

Addiction to a substance or process

Painful emotions

Shame

Anxiety

Fear

Guilt

Hopelessness

Despair

Depression

Um, well damn! As a mental health therapist with a specialization in working with individuals with co-occurring disorders (i.e. someone with both a substance use disorder and at least one other mental health disorder such as bipolar disorder), I am fully aware of those who present with codependent behaviors. I’m actually well-versed in the subject matter, but for years I felt as if I was above those issues due to my studies and career in the field… How foolish! It wasn’t until there was a major crisis within my immediate family 1.5yrs ago, the heart breaking end of my last relationship 6 months ago, and my participation in brief outpatient therapy which ended about 3 months ago, before I realized that a lot of my stress and depression was directly related to my freaking codependency issues!!! Cue the cartoon light bulb above my big ass head!

Therapy brought me back to life. It helped me to get centered and put my life into perspective. It helped me face my denials and hold myself and others accountable. It helped me deal with my extreme feelings of guilt and shame. It helped me gain the strength to say “NO!” and feel ok about it. It helped me to loosen my death grip on everything and everyone because, can you believe this?, I actually don’t have all the control in the world. It helped me to recognize where I was being taken advantage of. It helped me to simply let go and forgive myself and others.

I still care about other people and some things, but not at my expense. I do what I want and drop whatever gets in my way. I thank God that I have peace today… #ZeroFucksGiven

Thanks for stopping by, feel free to comment.

DP:Tagline

Procurement of Fruit

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So exactly two weeks ago, after church class (RCIA), I went to the grocery store to pick up some last minute food items in order to complete my prep cook for the rest of the work week.  I typically do this on Sundays, but I had a lazy Sunday after getting into some shenanigans the Saturday before and opted out of my normal prep cooking ritual. I recall being extremely tired as it was almost 9:30pm when I was walking into the local whack ass Food Lion (I was definitely too lazy to drive out of the way to Safeway or Wegmans). I skimmed my list as I darted thru the produce, meat, and frozen food sections.  “I just want to get the hell home”, I thought repeatedly to myself.  I spent all of 10/15 min gathering my necessities in that bad boy before heading to the checkout line. “Almost there!” I thought to myself.

While the young kid is scanning and bagging my items, I have him stop to scan my discount card so I can throw my keys back into my pocket. I also swipe my check card so I can put my wallet away. I’m telling you I was focused on getting home asap! The kid seems nervous for some reason.  He’s smiling awkwardly at me and trying to make small chit chat, but I’m thinking, “Look man, not today, because you are not focusing on the scanning and bagging”. LOL. I’m not rude, so of course I indulge him. We get to the last item, my pink lady apples…Three of them in the bag, ready to rock. But, of course we run into an issue where all of a sudden the scale isn’t working so he’s unable to price the apples.  He tries a few tricks to get the machine going, however, all failed.  I tell him, “Don’t worry, thank you.  I can leave without the apples.  I’m ready to pay”. He apologizes and I smiled politely while thinking, “Damn, I will have to return to the store another time”, because there was no way I was going to complete that transaction and start a new one in another line.

Now while this is going down, the patron behind me sparks up conversation. I did recognize him from the week before when he was actually behind me in line when I came to the store for items after church on Ash Wednesday.  He said, “Excuse me Miss, don’t I know you from somewhere?”. Sigh…..I replied with, “No, you don’t, but I do recall you being behind me last week when we were shopping here”.  His face lit up as he said, “Yes, that’s right, and you are looking beautiful as ever”.  Sigh…… “Thank you sir”, I said.  He’s an older gentleman probably in his late 40s, a little heavy set, with kind eyes. He was appropriate and polite, but since my last break up I have been turned off from other males trying to holla and/or even give me complements (Idk, I’m in a weird place at the moment), I’m just not ready to entertain all of that yet.

Welp, my transaction is complete.  I say goodnight to both him and the young employee and I’m out. It was cold as a mutha out, but I was excited to be closer to being home. I pop open Lucille’s trunk (She’s my car) toss them groceries, push the cart to the cart holder, and jump in my car. As I was jumping in, the gentleman that was behind me in line briskly walked over to my car with a skimp bag.  He’s says with the biggest, and no lie, kind of creepy grin ever, “Miss, here’s your apples!”. I smiled and even felt a little moved.  I said, “You purchased my apples? Wow, I appreciate you doing that”. He said, “It was my pleasure, have a good night”. He turned, walked away, and got into his car.

I took a second to thank God for that moment, but keep in mind it was a short second because I had to dip out of that parking lot and make sure I wasn’t followed. I’m hypervigilant. I appreciate any acts of kindness I receive, because for some reason I don’t get them often (Perhaps I’m too independent for my own good sometimes). Hmmmm….

Thanks for reading.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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Waking up blessed! I feel like sending some love out into the universe.  (Gotta catch me while it’s hot because I’ll be back to telling everyone to kiss my grits soon enough) lmfaooooo.

Enjoy the day with loved ones! Love is so beautiful, I just haven’t been lucky in that department… Good thing I love my damn self!  Hahaz. #TeamAries for you…. 😉

Thanks for stopping by #unitedindependence appreciates every bit of it!

How Much Can The Heart Hold?

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“Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold.”

—Zelda Fitzgerald (1900-1948), Writer

I ran across this quote this morning and it provoked a few different thoughts and emotions. I think it is a beautiful quote. Right after reading it, I smiled.  I like to think of myself as an individual with a big heart. I tend to always come from a loving place. Some people say that when you love somebody, you love them. But, with all of that said, I’ve had the opportunity to fall in and out of love. Sometimes things look and feel different once the smoke clears. It’s amazing how things, including love, change over time……

Hope you enjoyed reading! Stay up lovebirds!

50 Shades Of Grey…To Watch or Not To Watch

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So there’s so much Controversy surrounding this 50 Shades of Grey movie…. like we all realize it’s a movie right, for entertainment purposes? It’s not to serve as a religious or educational teaching. Relax. I mean I get some of the concern, but simply don’t watch it and keep it moving. I was invited to see it this weekend on Valentine’s Day (haha looks like I won’t be alone), I’m like “sure why not”. I downloaded all three books last year and havent read a single page, so maybe I’m missing something, I don’t know. This was on my mind because I keep hearing the advertisements (sounds kinda hot to me, lol) for it and I remembered my religious teacher spoke about it last night at church. She went on to say that she’ll be offended if any of us watched it. Eeeeekkkk! I’m sorry, maybe it’s the rebel in me, me being an aries, or who knows, but I do what I want. I’m still down to check it out. I believe I know right from wrong and will not be influenced to rush out and buy rope and duct tape after seeing the movie, or will I? Lol Thoughts?

Lovers and Friends

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Over the weekend I gave myself some time to just sit and think; it was quite lovely, really. Randomly I started thinking about the terms, “friend”, “best friend” and “boyfriend” (significant other). I started to recall those who have held these positions in my life and how many changes have occurred over the years (totally experienced the full spectrum of emotion, lol, sigh…..). I also thought about the value I’ve placed on these positions, both in the past and present, and started speculating how much I would value them in the future…..

What I realized is that it’s very nice to have friends and a significant other, you know, people you are supposed to be able to trust, experience life with, and create memories with; people you can share mutual love, respect, and concern with. However, as I get older, I find that though I still put value on relationships, I definitely feel less pressure to have and maintain them, especially when it requires too much effort on my part.

I believe that true friends and true love develop and persist effortlessly. And I can honestly say that those are the only relationships I’m interesting in having. I’ve been working my way through a few folks by taking a step back and clearly seeing our current relationship dynamic. Readers, I challenge you to give this some thought in your own lives, you may discover something. I concluded those thoughts for now and will probably consider the following another time: The relationships I may have grown out of, the ones that are unequal, the ones that are emotionally draining, and the ones that are irrelevant. I rather keep focus on the relationships that matter in moving forward.

Thank you for stopping by and being a part of my journey as I get closer to being the best woman I can be. This is what it’s all about, supporting each other in reaching our individual life goals (#unitedindependence). We live and we learn, and if we’re lucky we also grow and advance.