I Always Land On My Feet

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Soaring high in this abstract sky, so high that my face is zipping through the wispy clouds.

My body feels light and airy, my tummy is laced with butterflies, and my mind is delightfully responsive to my oxytocin-filled brain.

“Ahhhhh”, I let out a deep breath, close my eyes, and chuck my hands up with the muscle of faith.

There aren’t any barriers, borders, or boundaries up here; it’s a rather freeing experience.

However, just as I become comfortable and trusting in the adventure, life rips the magical carpet from beneath me.

“Gasp!”, I try not to become overcome with fear and panic as I take a nose dive, heart first, towards the cold earth.

But, like a boisterous feline, I always land on my feet.

I brush my shoulders off, adjust myself, pick a direction, and start walking…

They say what goes up must come down and it’s all in the landing!

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Pillow Talk

Lying next to you is like enjoying a warm and sweet cup of coffee first thing in the morning while sitting under the sunrays on a patio near the beach. Snuggled on your chest, your soft breath and rhythmic heartbeat are as soothing as waves crashing into the shoreline. Being with you is like being on vacation! You are pure escape from the extremely rushed and anxiety producing American hustle and bustle that I live on the daily.

I love how you look at me; I feel a jolt of sheer bliss when I catch your innocent gazes. When our eyes meet, I wonder if we are thinking the same thing. Do you think to yourself, “I wonder what she’s thinking?” because I am wondering what you could possibly be thinking. I love how you feel when we sneak little caresses and kisses in between our conversation. I love our conversations about something or nothing. I love our Pillow Talk.

#happyhumpday readers

True Colors

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Though most colors are beautiful, everyone’s true colors aren’t… If u are giving, ya bet your sweet ass people are taking! But let’s be real, that doesn’t mean that they value you… Make sure you stay clear on that.

Thanks for stopping by and joining me as I learn thru experience; let’s learn these life lessons together.

#happyhumpday

Time Well Spent

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I ran across this on FB and it left me pondering. I have an idea of how I think things should be, but what I actually have doesn’t quite meet that expectation. We all know that things not meeting your expectations typically equals disappointment. However, in this case it isn’t a bad thing at all. After seeing my significant other in his environment and around his friends, while he was in the zone, I was provided with a new perspective and understanding about who he is. One’s friends can provide a lot of insight about a person. No one is perfect, and we may not vibe well in a few areas, but he is truly something and I’m delighted that our paths had the opportunity to cross. Though things with us are a bit unconventional, and sometime seem more complicated than I feel is necessary, we both have clearly invested time and the experience is priceless. Invested time is a big deal because time ain’t cheap! Word to the wise, if you feel like you are wasting time, then simply stop. Guess we’ll rock until one of us decides to stop.

**Raises Glass** Until then……

Zero F*cks Given

Often, our blogs have taglines. But, what if humans did too? What would your taglines be? 

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I’m actually so random and unpredictable that several different taglines could be used to represent me, but at the time of seeing this writing prompt, “Zero Fucks Given” is what comes to mind. I’m counting down to the wonderful age of 30; 14 more days; OMG exactly 2 weeks from today, eeeeeek! And do you know what’s funny? I actually feel different. Though it’s been a gradual uphill struggle getting up to this point, I feel like only within the past 3 – 6 months have I realized the many significant changes within my mind, body, and spirit. Some people may share my sentiments and some people may scoff and think that my age ain’t nothing but a number. Shrugs, I dunno, I’m just going by how I am currently thinking and feeling. 

These days I am less anxious, more calm, and easygoing. I have more understanding and acceptance, especially of the people, places, things, and events that I cannot change. I love myself more and appreciate my true beauty. I feel more confident and have the motivation and courage to do what I want. My people-pleasing days seem to be coming to a close. Regardless of the fake ass, hardcore bullshiggity people spit from their mouths about not caring about what other people think about them, we all want to be liked/loved, valued, and appreciated. Me included! But, as I’ve mentioned in a previous post, this is less important to me than it was in my previous years. I figure that as long as I like me, God has my back, and I’m ok with my thoughts, feelings, and actions, then I’m good to go! 

I want to share something with you… Given my unconventional upbringing in a substance abusing household, I have developed what those in the mental health profession refer to as  dun, dun, duuuuuunnnnn, “codependency issues”. According to merriam-webster.com. codependency is a psychological condition in which someone is in an unhealthy relationship that involves living with and providing care for another person (such as a drug addict or an alcoholic); as a psychological condition or relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition; dependence on the needs of or control by another. According to Codependency for Dummies, symptoms are as follows:

Low self-esteem

Not liking or accepting yourself

Feeling you’re inadequate in some way

Thinking you’re not quite enough

Worrying you are or could be a failure

Concerned with what other people think about you

Perfectionism

Pleasing others and giving up yourself

Poor boundaries

Boundaries that are too weak and there’s not enough separateness between you and your partner

Boundaries that are too rigid and keep you from being close

Boundaries that flip back and forth between too close and too rigid

Reactivity

Dysfunctional Communication

Difficulty expressing thoughts and feelings

Difficulty setting boundaries — saying “No” or stopping abuse

Abusive language

Lack of assertiveness about your needs

Dependency

Afraid of being alone or out of a relationship

Feeling trapped in a bad relationship and unable to leave

Relying too much on others opinions

Intimacy problems

Avoidance of closeness

Losing yourself

Trying to control or manipulate others

Feeling trapped in a dysfunctional relationship

Denial

Denial of codependency

Denial about a painful reality in your relationship

Denial of your feelings

Denial of your needs

Caretaking

Control

Controlling your own feelings

Managing and controlling people in your life; telling them what to do

Manipulating others to feel or behave like you want (people pleasing is a manipulation)

Obsessions

Addiction to a substance or process

Painful emotions

Shame

Anxiety

Fear

Guilt

Hopelessness

Despair

Depression

Um, well damn! As a mental health therapist with a specialization in working with individuals with co-occurring disorders (i.e. someone with both a substance use disorder and at least one other mental health disorder such as bipolar disorder), I am fully aware of those who present with codependent behaviors. I’m actually well-versed in the subject matter, but for years I felt as if I was above those issues due to my studies and career in the field… How foolish! It wasn’t until there was a major crisis within my immediate family 1.5yrs ago, the heart breaking end of my last relationship 6 months ago, and my participation in brief outpatient therapy which ended about 3 months ago, before I realized that a lot of my stress and depression was directly related to my freaking codependency issues!!! Cue the cartoon light bulb above my big ass head!

Therapy brought me back to life. It helped me to get centered and put my life into perspective. It helped me face my denials and hold myself and others accountable. It helped me deal with my extreme feelings of guilt and shame. It helped me gain the strength to say “NO!” and feel ok about it. It helped me to loosen my death grip on everything and everyone because, can you believe this?, I actually don’t have all the control in the world. It helped me to recognize where I was being taken advantage of. It helped me to simply let go and forgive myself and others.

I still care about other people and some things, but not at my expense. I do what I want and drop whatever gets in my way. I thank God that I have peace today… #ZeroFucksGiven

Thanks for stopping by, feel free to comment.

DP:Tagline

How Much Can The Heart Hold?

“Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold.”

—Zelda Fitzgerald (1900-1948), Writer

I ran across this quote this morning and it provoked a few different thoughts and emotions. I think it is a beautiful quote. Right after reading it, I smiled.  I like to think of myself as an individual with a big heart. I tend to always come from a loving place. Some people say that when you love somebody, you love them. But, with all of that said, I’ve had the opportunity to fall in and out of love. Sometimes things look and feel different once the smoke clears. It’s amazing how things, including love, change over time……

Hope you enjoyed reading! Stay up lovebirds!

50 Shades Of Grey…To Watch or Not To Watch

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So there’s so much Controversy surrounding this 50 Shades of Grey movie…. like we all realize it’s a movie right, for entertainment purposes? It’s not to serve as a religious or educational teaching. Relax. I mean I get some of the concern, but simply don’t watch it and keep it moving. I was invited to see it this weekend on Valentine’s Day (haha looks like I won’t be alone), I’m like “sure why not”. I downloaded all three books last year and havent read a single page, so maybe I’m missing something, I don’t know. This was on my mind because I keep hearing the advertisements (sounds kinda hot to me, lol) for it and I remembered my religious teacher spoke about it last night at church. She went on to say that she’ll be offended if any of us watched it. Eeeeekkkk! I’m sorry, maybe it’s the rebel in me, me being an aries, or who knows, but I do what I want. I’m still down to check it out. I believe I know right from wrong and will not be influenced to rush out and buy rope and duct tape after seeing the movie, or will I? Lol Thoughts?

Lovers and Friends

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Over the weekend I gave myself some time to just sit and think; it was quite lovely, really. Randomly I started thinking about the terms, “friend”, “best friend” and “boyfriend” (significant other). I started to recall those who have held these positions in my life and how many changes have occurred over the years (totally experienced the full spectrum of emotion, lol, sigh…..). I also thought about the value I’ve placed on these positions, both in the past and present, and started speculating how much I would value them in the future…..

What I realized is that it’s very nice to have friends and a significant other, you know, people you are supposed to be able to trust, experience life with, and create memories with; people you can share mutual love, respect, and concern with. However, as I get older, I find that though I still put value on relationships, I definitely feel less pressure to have and maintain them, especially when it requires too much effort on my part.

I believe that true friends and true love develop and persist effortlessly. And I can honestly say that those are the only relationships I’m interesting in having. I’ve been working my way through a few folks by taking a step back and clearly seeing our current relationship dynamic. Readers, I challenge you to give this some thought in your own lives, you may discover something. I concluded those thoughts for now and will probably consider the following another time: The relationships I may have grown out of, the ones that are unequal, the ones that are emotionally draining, and the ones that are irrelevant. I rather keep focus on the relationships that matter in moving forward.

Thank you for stopping by and being a part of my journey as I get closer to being the best woman I can be. This is what it’s all about, supporting each other in reaching our individual life goals (#unitedindependence). We live and we learn, and if we’re lucky we also grow and advance.

The Big V-Day Is Coming Up, You Say?

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I saw this foto online and immediately started cracking up. First of all, anyone who truly knows me, knows how much I love The Simpson’s. Second of all, as a result I recalled this epsiode. Hahahahahahaha!!! It was such a good one.

But, as my chuckling and cackling subsided, I poked out my bottom lip while my heart filled with intense sadness. It was in this moment that I was able to directly identify with Ralph. Oh! I too will be alone, without gift, love, and fun on Valentine’s Day! Le Sighhhhhh….

Hmph! Not so funny anymore! Pffffff!

Lol, hope you enjoyed reading. #happyfriday Lovebirds aka go choke on ur romance. Lol

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