R.I.P.

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I have mentally and emotionally prepared myself to bid farewell to the bruised little girl who still lives deep inside of me. The little girl who is trapped between the ages of birth to five years of old; The little girl who is uncertain about the consistency of her caregiving, essentially, the consistency of her world; The little girl who unfortunately taught herself to feel comfortable all alone; The little girl who believes that she is unworthy of love; The little girl that carries the shame and guilt of her family; The little girl who has seen too much too fast; The little girl who dissociates when experiencing pain/trauma; The little girl who doesn’t fully understand why they did what they did and why they left her; The little girl with fear and sadness in her heart, yet bravery in her soul, which can be seen through her gentle, little eyes.

Hey there little pretty girl that God has made. You have blossomed into a wonderful, joy of a woman. It’s ok; you’re safe and have been safe for quite some time. Look my little ninja, we made it! There’s that beautiful smile little girl! Come over to me and give me a warm hug. Dry your eyes and look at me. Let’s not live in and/or relive the past, because I want to fully live here in the present. I want to be right here in the present where not only am I safe, but there’s consistency; Life is simple and enjoyable; I don’t carry the family’s shame and guilt, or even my own, Dammit!; I am not being traumatized; I am by no means alone and have people around me I can trust; I am worthy of love and receive love; My strength and courage to face my world is intact and even admired by others…..

Little girl, I have nothing but respect for you because you did what you could to the fullest extent of your ability for us, but your job is absolutely done. I hope you can trust that I can and will take it from here. It’s time for us to deliver our valedictions. So long little girl… May you REST IN PEACE.

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I N S A N I T Y

Ever do something repeatedly knowing that the consequence of your choice is going to impact you negatively? You set yourself up for failure and disappointment every time, but you do it because you force yourself to see a glimmer of hope; that miniscule piece of hope that whispers in your ear, “Grab on to my pantaloons! I bet this is the time that it will be different.” You know what I’m talking about….

Whether it be kissing your boss’ ass in hopes of getting a raise that you will never get; all you are left with is reduced self-respect and a mouf full of ass. (Tragic)

Whether it may be with a “best friend” you are always there for who in turn doesn’t have your back; all you are left with is a one-sided relationship that makes you feel like a cheaper hooker with a nappy wig and torn fishnets. (Foul)

Whether it’s you never losing weight though you are constantly on a diet. They said you can have a cheat day….”a” as in one!; all you are left with are nice curves, if you are lucky, and a beer gut. (Not cute)

Whether it’s with a romantic interest that you display your love and affection to knowing he/she isn’t capable of being the man/woman you want and need; all you are left with are feelings of rejection and heartache. (Tinder vs. POF)

Whether it be you drinking like a fish knowing you are a two drink minimum; all you are left with is the hangover of all time, again. (Get yo life)

I can continue, but I think you get the point, lol, though I’m being a little silly here. They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results…… Hmmmm…… Something to think about, huh? What will it take to break yourself from this pattern?

Writing this random post made me think of this song. Hope you enjoyed it. I Love Zedd; he’s fun! This jam is one of my favs.

FLASHBACK

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OMG!
There it is.
It’s happening again.
It’s uncontrollable.
It’s taking over and holding my cognitions hostage.
My heart rate is increasing as the excitement pulses through my tiny blue veins.
My blood pressure is elevated and not due to genetics and/or too much salt.
Wait!
What’s this?
I’m over here smiling to myself.
Can you picture my incredibly huge, radiating smile?
Now I’m closing my sultry brown eyes, inhaling through my nose and exhaling through my mouth as I bask in your sweet memory.
I can almost smell your manly scent.
My goodness, I can almost still… (eh hem; clears throat) feel… you……
Mmmm, that flashback.

#HappyHumpDay 

Inner Critic

What does your inner critic say to you and how does it affect your ability to take risks? If you had to name your inner critic, what you name it?

The above prompt was shared to me by one of my best friends and sorority sister, @LambdaLady2 (Twitter).  She stated that one of her coworkers posted these questions on her gchat and I take it my sister here was pondering this morning.  So she sent it my way and suggested I consider preparing a response and blogging about it.  Well, alright, why not? 😉

The above questions are rather deep and if you’ve followed my blog you would notice that I tend to be quite introspective and engage in self-reflection and self-evaluation on the regular.  My response to this will not be a lengthy one; I have hit what my inner critic sometimes hollers at me in previous blogs, so I’ll provide a general overview.

That pesky inner critic that sometimes declares war on my psyche can be downright brutal. Not only is it quick to highlight my short-comings and limitations, it doesn’t hold back in detailing what I could have done either better or differently in every situation I encounter. Sometimes it talks to me in a negative tone, even making the strong claims that I will not make it or I’m not good enough or even that I’m undeserving.  It even takes jabs at my family tree, comparing and contrasting me with both the past and present, emphasizing our downfalls as a family unit (Ouch).

As I write this, several different life incidences are playing back in my mind where my inner critic has absolutely affected my ability to take risks, but I’m smiling here because I have used my dear inner critic as jet fuel to get me where I am today.  Looking back, I believe my inner critic hindered me more significantly as a younger person.  I believe I really started growing up in the past year or two and have more confidence when I respond to it. I can look my inner critic in the face today, ya know?  Yea, no more shying away; I’m a big girl now.  LOL. Yea, today, I believe in myself and even when I get thrown off my path or I start toying around with my inner critic’s little homie, self-doubt, I’m able to put things back into perspective and keep my eyes on the prize.  I do tend to get what I want, eventually.

Hmm, what would I name my inner critic you ask? Right now, the name Charlie is coming to mind.  Sike, nah. LOL. I would call it “Motivation”, yea, that is fitting!

As always, thank you for stopping by.  Feel free to comment. Great Prompt!  Thanks @LambdaLady2 for sending!   

“Guts Over Fear” – Eminem

I’ve been catching this song in bits and pieces, but finally really listened to the lyrics today. OMG! I flippin love it!!! I’ve always enjoyed Eminem and in recent years I’ve gotten hip to Sia. Her voice is beautiful and she complemented Eminem well! The lyrics really spoke to me; I actually felt moved… Go ‘head Eminem! LOL! My favorite lyric is actually near the end of the song where he says, “From this day forward, just let them a holes talk, Take it with a grain of salt and eat their fucking faces off.” The struggle is oh so real, and regardless of our place in this world, we all know about it…Let the haters do what they do best, hate, and just keep it moving. If you want to succeed, you will!

Hope you enjoy the jam as I did!

#happymonday from #unitedindependence

First!

Tell us about your first day at something — your first day of school, first day of work, first day living on your own, first day blogging, first day as a parent, whatever.

I went on a solo vacation trip a few weeks ago to a mountainous area in my home state (I’m fortunate to have access to vacation property). The drive is actually only about max 2.5hours away from my home, thus out of town, but still relatively close by if I needed to make a break. Lol. Originally, I had reserved the vacation time and was excited to share and enjoy the property with my special someone, but things changed and that plan was no longer applicable. :-\ With those unforeseen changes I didn’t make the effort to either rent my place out for a profit, or invite friends to join me. So, I planned to follow through with my time off and go by my damn self.

I mean, Heck! Why not? I desperately needed the break, I worked hard for it, and am totally capable of doing whatever I want. At the very last minute I did extend an invite to friends, but it was too short-notice, and frankly I’m glad. As the day of my departure came near, I began to feel both anxious and extremely excited for my trip. I noticed my thoughts cycled between empowerment and self-doubt. I have never vacationed solo before, but I told myself, “honey, you got this”. 😉 I researched activities and set daily goals for while I was away. I prepared myself and off I went!

While away, I got interesting feedback from people in my life. Some questioned me, “Is everything alright?”. Some showed concerned, “Please be careful!”. Some others showed, what’s the word I’m looking for…….. Hate, oh yes, that’s it, “Who vacations by themselves?” Lol! People are so funny, I tells ya. Hate only fuels a person like me, so thank you!

The first day of my trip, I instantaneously felt reinvigorated! I felt super excited and accomplished. It was amazing! Especially since for the past two or three months or so I had been feeling so many negative things (overwhelmed, work burnout, rejected, unloved, unattractive, devalued, undeserving, unappreciated, just to name a few). Ewe! Feels gross to even write that, but I was beat; I was really spent and exhausted! I am only human and not above hardship and emotional turmoil; I realize I was simply going through a transition period.

But, let me tell you, the removal from my daily living environment was exactly what I needed to reevaluate myself….family, social network/relationships, career, passions, all included…. That first day helped boost my confidence and was the start to a shift in perspective. I took in the fresh crisp air of a higher altitude, the beauty in the landscape, and the calm and peaceful vibe of the small town and got back on track! I remember feeling completely content with myself. I was all smiles and actually satisfied. I was grateful and appreciative for the opportunity to even get away. I felt blessed. I felt my strength increase and felt change coming. I felt bold and brave. I felt worth more than I was getting and started on a revised game plan. It was wonderful! I totally recommend a scheduled time-out for everyone!

Stay focused and stay blessed Readers! Don’t allow anything to stand in your way. Prove the naysayers wrong!

Enjoy a few fotos!
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DP:First

Happy New Year!

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Thank you for all of the love and support of my blog this past year. I’ve had a blast within the blogger community.

Stay tuned to see what 2015 has to offer! Be blessed folks!

What Was I Dreaming About Last Night?

I literally woke up singing this song, lol, from the 03:23 minute mark thru the end of the song….. those lyrics are as follows…..

What’s it gonna be baby?

Do you want him?
Or do you want me?
Cause I want you
Said I want you
Tell me, babe
Do you want me?
I gotta know, I gotta know
Do you want me?
Baby, baby, baby
Listen to me
I may not know where I’m going (babe)
I said I may not know what I need
One thing, one thing’s for certain baby
I know what I want, yeah
And if it please you baby 
Please you, baby
I’m begging down on my knees
I want you
Yes I do
Baby, baby, baby, baby
I want you

Oh man, I don’t remember my dreams from last night. Is this my subconscious?  Sigh……. Oh well, let’s skip the emotional part! Just know that I broke out in a full-fledged Prince and The Revolution rendition from there. Happy Friday folks! Even when I’m feeling down and a bit empty inside, I can rely on music to always pick me up! I carry my air guitar in my right back pocket! 😉

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Foto compliments of IG:therealdj2much.

And no judging, ya damn right I love me some Prince! 😉

Just Shut Up and Drive Baby!

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That 2015 Lexus is sexy right!?!? I Need One! Lol

Sitting in my car before I head to church, randomly thinking…..People come and they go is right! It’s funny that the people who hurt you the most, swore they’d never do it. I thought I had lost a friend, well, that may be true, but I also gained a lesson. You ever experience that moment when the light turns green in your life? This is the time when you throw yourself into gear, hit the gas, and go for it honey! 😉

#encouragement

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