HAPPY NEW YEAR

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Have you ever felt so unquestionably sure and so assuredly unsure of yourself at the same time?

You know, that instance when you both know exactly what you want and have no f***ing clue as to what your beating heart desires?

As an adult person, this is a frightening position to be in. I know, because I have been there. Yikes! But, how could you not, when there are all of these perceived pressures to do and experience things, and to gain things by a certain time/age in one’s life?

Speaking for myself, the anxieties run incredibly high when I feel like I have not met the developmental milestones deemed most appropriate by the ass-backwards society I live in.

As the year comes to a close, it’s our tendency to reflect upon what has come to past and to project out positive goals that we wish to accomplish in the New Year. Thus, I cannot help but to engage in this annual ritualistic self-assessment/self-reflection with the other basics. Did I do everything everyone projected on and expected of me? Did I follow along the basic rules of my time? Did I, blasé blasé blasé? Oh goodness I had to make it stop!

2015, for me, was honestly like any other year in the life. I simply continued to live and learn. And though not record breaking, I have managed to make some gains here and there. I am proud of myself, so on my scoreboard, that’s winning.

I no longer make promises about what I’m going to do or not do in the New Year or at any moment. The only thing that I plan to do in the New Year and for the rest of my life is to live however the f*** I want to live. #YouLikeThat

With that said, have a Happy New Year! Be well and stay blessed. I look forward to reconnecting with you in 2016! **Muahz**
#Unitedindependence

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Our Love

With each passing moment IT is slipping further and further past my fingertips.

IT is getting so far out that I am feeling its warmth less and less.

IT is getting so far out that its picture perfect image is becoming quite blurry.

I am reaching out for IT, but I can barely grasp IT.

I’m afraid that I am going to lose IT…

Already I feel defeated, but hope has whispered into my ear, “It’s not over until the Gorda Bitch sings her funky tune baby!”

Well then, I’m going into battle for IT, because IT, is worth fighting for!

Are you coming with? Let’s grab ahold of OUR LOVE!

Say you’ll never let me go, and I won’t let go.

#poetrycorner #ourlove #unitedindependence

Check Out This Raw Artist!

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I don’t normally promote events, but this is one that cannot be missed. Lately, I’ve been into gaining exposure to new things, especially the arts. My life can seem so incredibly mundane that I just want to scream in misery and drown in my tears. Ok, ok, enough of the dramatics!  Today, I’m showing love for an amazing artist, street photographer, Derek Rosales with TTINphotography. I encourage you to follow his blog at http://www.tweakedcity.com to see for yourself!

I’ve had the pleasure to view some of his work and I find his photos both new and exciting, and for lack of a better word, DOPE son, for the DMV area to look at. That man produces beauty with his camera; you really have to see for yourself. I need to figure out how to purchase some of his work because I can definitely envision some of his shots added to the decor of my home.

So, check this out, yours truly will be at the RawArtist event, in my cocktail attire, at the Howard Theater, Washington, DC on September 2, 2015. You should join me! Get your ticket today at rawartists.org/ttinphotography! Make sure you use this link! If you are interested in seeing some raw talent you need to get your ticket by August 30, 2015 (ticket deadline). Come out and support the raw talent that the DMV has to offer!

I’m super excited! Until next time readers…

Pillow Talk

Lying next to you is like enjoying a warm and sweet cup of coffee first thing in the morning while sitting under the sunrays on a patio near the beach. Snuggled on your chest, your soft breath and rhythmic heartbeat are as soothing as waves crashing into the shoreline. Being with you is like being on vacation! You are pure escape from the extremely rushed and anxiety producing American hustle and bustle that I live on the daily.

I love how you look at me; I feel a jolt of sheer bliss when I catch your innocent gazes. When our eyes meet, I wonder if we are thinking the same thing. Do you think to yourself, “I wonder what she’s thinking?” because I am wondering what you could possibly be thinking. I love how you feel when we sneak little caresses and kisses in between our conversation. I love our conversations about something or nothing. I love our Pillow Talk.

#happyhumpday readers

True Colors

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Though most colors are beautiful, everyone’s true colors aren’t… If u are giving, ya bet your sweet ass people are taking! But let’s be real, that doesn’t mean that they value you… Make sure you stay clear on that.

Thanks for stopping by and joining me as I learn thru experience; let’s learn these life lessons together.

#happyhumpday

Time Well Spent

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I ran across this on FB and it left me pondering. I have an idea of how I think things should be, but what I actually have doesn’t quite meet that expectation. We all know that things not meeting your expectations typically equals disappointment. However, in this case it isn’t a bad thing at all. After seeing my significant other in his environment and around his friends, while he was in the zone, I was provided with a new perspective and understanding about who he is. One’s friends can provide a lot of insight about a person. No one is perfect, and we may not vibe well in a few areas, but he is truly something and I’m delighted that our paths had the opportunity to cross. Though things with us are a bit unconventional, and sometime seem more complicated than I feel is necessary, we both have clearly invested time and the experience is priceless. Invested time is a big deal because time ain’t cheap! Word to the wise, if you feel like you are wasting time, then simply stop. Guess we’ll rock until one of us decides to stop.

**Raises Glass** Until then……

I N S A N I T Y

Ever do something repeatedly knowing that the consequence of your choice is going to impact you negatively? You set yourself up for failure and disappointment every time, but you do it because you force yourself to see a glimmer of hope; that miniscule piece of hope that whispers in your ear, “Grab on to my pantaloons! I bet this is the time that it will be different.” You know what I’m talking about….

Whether it be kissing your boss’ ass in hopes of getting a raise that you will never get; all you are left with is reduced self-respect and a mouf full of ass. (Tragic)

Whether it may be with a “best friend” you are always there for who in turn doesn’t have your back; all you are left with is a one-sided relationship that makes you feel like a cheaper hooker with a nappy wig and torn fishnets. (Foul)

Whether it’s you never losing weight though you are constantly on a diet. They said you can have a cheat day….”a” as in one!; all you are left with are nice curves, if you are lucky, and a beer gut. (Not cute)

Whether it’s with a romantic interest that you display your love and affection to knowing he/she isn’t capable of being the man/woman you want and need; all you are left with are feelings of rejection and heartache. (Tinder vs. POF)

Whether it be you drinking like a fish knowing you are a two drink minimum; all you are left with is the hangover of all time, again. (Get yo life)

I can continue, but I think you get the point, lol, though I’m being a little silly here. They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results…… Hmmmm…… Something to think about, huh? What will it take to break yourself from this pattern?

Writing this random post made me think of this song. Hope you enjoyed it. I Love Zedd; he’s fun! This jam is one of my favs.

FLASHBACK

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OMG!
There it is.
It’s happening again.
It’s uncontrollable.
It’s taking over and holding my cognitions hostage.
My heart rate is increasing as the excitement pulses through my tiny blue veins.
My blood pressure is elevated and not due to genetics and/or too much salt.
Wait!
What’s this?
I’m over here smiling to myself.
Can you picture my incredibly huge, radiating smile?
Now I’m closing my sultry brown eyes, inhaling through my nose and exhaling through my mouth as I bask in your sweet memory.
I can almost smell your manly scent.
My goodness, I can almost still… (eh hem; clears throat) feel… you……
Mmmm, that flashback.

#HappyHumpDay 

Zero F*cks Given

Often, our blogs have taglines. But, what if humans did too? What would your taglines be? 

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I’m actually so random and unpredictable that several different taglines could be used to represent me, but at the time of seeing this writing prompt, “Zero Fucks Given” is what comes to mind. I’m counting down to the wonderful age of 30; 14 more days; OMG exactly 2 weeks from today, eeeeeek! And do you know what’s funny? I actually feel different. Though it’s been a gradual uphill struggle getting up to this point, I feel like only within the past 3 – 6 months have I realized the many significant changes within my mind, body, and spirit. Some people may share my sentiments and some people may scoff and think that my age ain’t nothing but a number. Shrugs, I dunno, I’m just going by how I am currently thinking and feeling. 

These days I am less anxious, more calm, and easygoing. I have more understanding and acceptance, especially of the people, places, things, and events that I cannot change. I love myself more and appreciate my true beauty. I feel more confident and have the motivation and courage to do what I want. My people-pleasing days seem to be coming to a close. Regardless of the fake ass, hardcore bullshiggity people spit from their mouths about not caring about what other people think about them, we all want to be liked/loved, valued, and appreciated. Me included! But, as I’ve mentioned in a previous post, this is less important to me than it was in my previous years. I figure that as long as I like me, God has my back, and I’m ok with my thoughts, feelings, and actions, then I’m good to go! 

I want to share something with you… Given my unconventional upbringing in a substance abusing household, I have developed what those in the mental health profession refer to as  dun, dun, duuuuuunnnnn, “codependency issues”. According to merriam-webster.com. codependency is a psychological condition in which someone is in an unhealthy relationship that involves living with and providing care for another person (such as a drug addict or an alcoholic); as a psychological condition or relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition; dependence on the needs of or control by another. According to Codependency for Dummies, symptoms are as follows:

Low self-esteem

Not liking or accepting yourself

Feeling you’re inadequate in some way

Thinking you’re not quite enough

Worrying you are or could be a failure

Concerned with what other people think about you

Perfectionism

Pleasing others and giving up yourself

Poor boundaries

Boundaries that are too weak and there’s not enough separateness between you and your partner

Boundaries that are too rigid and keep you from being close

Boundaries that flip back and forth between too close and too rigid

Reactivity

Dysfunctional Communication

Difficulty expressing thoughts and feelings

Difficulty setting boundaries — saying “No” or stopping abuse

Abusive language

Lack of assertiveness about your needs

Dependency

Afraid of being alone or out of a relationship

Feeling trapped in a bad relationship and unable to leave

Relying too much on others opinions

Intimacy problems

Avoidance of closeness

Losing yourself

Trying to control or manipulate others

Feeling trapped in a dysfunctional relationship

Denial

Denial of codependency

Denial about a painful reality in your relationship

Denial of your feelings

Denial of your needs

Caretaking

Control

Controlling your own feelings

Managing and controlling people in your life; telling them what to do

Manipulating others to feel or behave like you want (people pleasing is a manipulation)

Obsessions

Addiction to a substance or process

Painful emotions

Shame

Anxiety

Fear

Guilt

Hopelessness

Despair

Depression

Um, well damn! As a mental health therapist with a specialization in working with individuals with co-occurring disorders (i.e. someone with both a substance use disorder and at least one other mental health disorder such as bipolar disorder), I am fully aware of those who present with codependent behaviors. I’m actually well-versed in the subject matter, but for years I felt as if I was above those issues due to my studies and career in the field… How foolish! It wasn’t until there was a major crisis within my immediate family 1.5yrs ago, the heart breaking end of my last relationship 6 months ago, and my participation in brief outpatient therapy which ended about 3 months ago, before I realized that a lot of my stress and depression was directly related to my freaking codependency issues!!! Cue the cartoon light bulb above my big ass head!

Therapy brought me back to life. It helped me to get centered and put my life into perspective. It helped me face my denials and hold myself and others accountable. It helped me deal with my extreme feelings of guilt and shame. It helped me gain the strength to say “NO!” and feel ok about it. It helped me to loosen my death grip on everything and everyone because, can you believe this?, I actually don’t have all the control in the world. It helped me to recognize where I was being taken advantage of. It helped me to simply let go and forgive myself and others.

I still care about other people and some things, but not at my expense. I do what I want and drop whatever gets in my way. I thank God that I have peace today… #ZeroFucksGiven

Thanks for stopping by, feel free to comment.

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