I have mentally and emotionally prepared myself to bid farewell to the bruised little girl who still lives deep inside of me. The little girl who is trapped between the ages of birth to five years of old; The little girl who is uncertain about the consistency of her caregiving, essentially, the consistency of her world; The little girl who unfortunately taught herself to feel comfortable all alone; The little girl who believes that she is unworthy of love; The little girl that carries the shame and guilt of her family; The little girl who has seen too much too fast; The little girl who dissociates when experiencing pain/trauma; The little girl who doesn’t fully understand why they did what they did and why they left her; The little girl with fear and sadness in her heart, yet bravery in her soul, which can be seen through her gentle, little eyes.
Hey there little pretty girl that God has made. You have blossomed into a wonderful, joy of a woman. It’s ok; you’re safe and have been safe for quite some time. Look my little ninja, we made it! There’s that beautiful smile little girl! Come over to me and give me a warm hug. Dry your eyes and look at me. Let’s not live in and/or relive the past, because I want to fully live here in the present. I want to be right here in the present where not only am I safe, but there’s consistency; Life is simple and enjoyable; I don’t carry the family’s shame and guilt, or even my own, Dammit!; I am not being traumatized; I am by no means alone and have people around me I can trust; I am worthy of love and receive love; My strength and courage to face my world is intact and even admired by others…..
Little girl, I have nothing but respect for you because you did what you could to the fullest extent of your ability for us, but your job is absolutely done. I hope you can trust that I can and will take it from here. It’s time for us to deliver our valedictions. So long little girl… May you REST IN PEACE.
Frustration is a general symptom of the “Things just aren’t going my way” Syndrome. Likewise, it is a common symptom of the “Everyone around me f***ing sucks and I keep hoping that they’ll stop f***ing sucking, but they never f***ing do” Syndrome.
I am typically optimistic and hopeful, but today the frustrations are running ever so high and I’m honestly baffled by the things that keep happening. I have been sitting back and watching out for people’s words to finally match their behavior(s) and after so many consecutive fails, my hopefulness decreases after each instance. Damn, is it going to get better? Sh*t! Or will my hopefulness decrease until there’s nothing left?
Ever feel like you wanna gouge your own eyeballs out and disconnect? Don’t tell me I’m the only one. :-\ I’m asking for the good Lord to give me strenf aka strength!
#happywednesday hope you enjoyed the read. Feel free to like and/or comment. LoL. This post was triggered by me running across the attached meme and actually having a really stressful day. But, know that I’m a boss, am grabbing the day by its balls, and making it do what it do. Don’t let anything/anyone bring you down my loves! *Muahz*
That instrumental doe….. “Frustration” lol.
acceptance, codependency, communication, Daily posts, dating, encouragement, healthy living, inner beauty, mental health, mindfulness, Pop culture, psychology, random thought, Relationships, self-reflection, spirituality, zero fucks given
Often, our blogs have taglines. But, what if humans did too? What would your taglines be?
I’m actually so random and unpredictable that several different taglines could be used to represent me, but at the time of seeing this writing prompt, “Zero Fucks Given” is what comes to mind. I’m counting down to the wonderful age of 30; 14 more days; OMG exactly 2 weeks from today, eeeeeek! And do you know what’s funny? I actually feel different. Though it’s been a gradual uphill struggle getting up to this point, I feel like only within the past 3 – 6 months have I realized the many significant changes within my mind, body, and spirit. Some people may share my sentiments and some people may scoff and think that my age ain’t nothing but a number. Shrugs, I dunno, I’m just going by how I am currently thinking and feeling.
These days I am less anxious, more calm, and easygoing. I have more understanding and acceptance, especially of the people, places, things, and events that I cannot change. I love myself more and appreciate my true beauty. I feel more confident and have the motivation and courage to do what I want. My people-pleasing days seem to be coming to a close. Regardless of the fake ass, hardcore bullshiggity people spit from their mouths about not caring about what other people think about them, we all want to be liked/loved, valued, and appreciated. Me included! But, as I’ve mentioned in a previous post, this is less important to me than it was in my previous years. I figure that as long as I like me, God has my back, and I’m ok with my thoughts, feelings, and actions, then I’m good to go!
I want to share something with you… Given my unconventional upbringing in a substance abusing household, I have developed what those in the mental health profession refer to as dun, dun, duuuuuunnnnn, “codependency issues”. According to merriam-webster.com. codependency is a psychological condition in which someone is in an unhealthy relationship that involves living with and providing care for another person (such as a drug addict or an alcoholic); as a psychological condition or relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition; dependence on the needs of or control by another. According to Codependency for Dummies, symptoms are as follows:
Not liking or accepting yourself
Feeling you’re inadequate in some way
Thinking you’re not quite enough
Worrying you are or could be a failure
Concerned with what other people think about you
Pleasing others and giving up yourself
Boundaries that are too weak and there’s not enough separateness between you and your partner
Boundaries that are too rigid and keep you from being close
Boundaries that flip back and forth between too close and too rigid
Difficulty expressing thoughts and feelings
Difficulty setting boundaries — saying “No” or stopping abuse
Lack of assertiveness about your needs
Afraid of being alone or out of a relationship
Feeling trapped in a bad relationship and unable to leave
Relying too much on others opinions
Avoidance of closeness
Trying to control or manipulate others
Feeling trapped in a dysfunctional relationship
Denial of codependency
Denial about a painful reality in your relationship
Denial of your feelings
Denial of your needs
Controlling your own feelings
Managing and controlling people in your life; telling them what to do
Manipulating others to feel or behave like you want (people pleasing is a manipulation)
Addiction to a substance or process
Um, well damn! As a mental health therapist with a specialization in working with individuals with co-occurring disorders (i.e. someone with both a substance use disorder and at least one other mental health disorder such as bipolar disorder), I am fully aware of those who present with codependent behaviors. I’m actually well-versed in the subject matter, but for years I felt as if I was above those issues due to my studies and career in the field… How foolish! It wasn’t until there was a major crisis within my immediate family 1.5yrs ago, the heart breaking end of my last relationship 6 months ago, and my participation in brief outpatient therapy which ended about 3 months ago, before I realized that a lot of my stress and depression was directly related to my freaking codependency issues!!! Cue the cartoon light bulb above my big ass head!
Therapy brought me back to life. It helped me to get centered and put my life into perspective. It helped me face my denials and hold myself and others accountable. It helped me deal with my extreme feelings of guilt and shame. It helped me gain the strength to say “NO!” and feel ok about it. It helped me to loosen my death grip on everything and everyone because, can you believe this?, I actually don’t have all the control in the world. It helped me to recognize where I was being taken advantage of. It helped me to simply let go and forgive myself and others.
I still care about other people and some things, but not at my expense. I do what I want and drop whatever gets in my way. I thank God that I have peace today… #ZeroFucksGiven
Thanks for stopping by, feel free to comment.
So exactly two weeks ago, after church class (RCIA), I went to the grocery store to pick up some last minute food items in order to complete my prep cook for the rest of the work week. I typically do this on Sundays, but I had a lazy Sunday after getting into some shenanigans the Saturday before and opted out of my normal prep cooking ritual. I recall being extremely tired as it was almost 9:30pm when I was walking into the local whack ass Food Lion (I was definitely too lazy to drive out of the way to Safeway or Wegmans). I skimmed my list as I darted thru the produce, meat, and frozen food sections. “I just want to get the hell home”, I thought repeatedly to myself. I spent all of 10/15 min gathering my necessities in that bad boy before heading to the checkout line. “Almost there!” I thought to myself.
While the young kid is scanning and bagging my items, I have him stop to scan my discount card so I can throw my keys back into my pocket. I also swipe my check card so I can put my wallet away. I’m telling you I was focused on getting home asap! The kid seems nervous for some reason. He’s smiling awkwardly at me and trying to make small chit chat, but I’m thinking, “Look man, not today, because you are not focusing on the scanning and bagging”. LOL. I’m not rude, so of course I indulge him. We get to the last item, my pink lady apples…Three of them in the bag, ready to rock. But, of course we run into an issue where all of a sudden the scale isn’t working so he’s unable to price the apples. He tries a few tricks to get the machine going, however, all failed. I tell him, “Don’t worry, thank you. I can leave without the apples. I’m ready to pay”. He apologizes and I smiled politely while thinking, “Damn, I will have to return to the store another time”, because there was no way I was going to complete that transaction and start a new one in another line.
Now while this is going down, the patron behind me sparks up conversation. I did recognize him from the week before when he was actually behind me in line when I came to the store for items after church on Ash Wednesday. He said, “Excuse me Miss, don’t I know you from somewhere?”. Sigh…..I replied with, “No, you don’t, but I do recall you being behind me last week when we were shopping here”. His face lit up as he said, “Yes, that’s right, and you are looking beautiful as ever”. Sigh…… “Thank you sir”, I said. He’s an older gentleman probably in his late 40s, a little heavy set, with kind eyes. He was appropriate and polite, but since my last break up I have been turned off from other males trying to holla and/or even give me complements (Idk, I’m in a weird place at the moment), I’m just not ready to entertain all of that yet.
Welp, my transaction is complete. I say goodnight to both him and the young employee and I’m out. It was cold as a mutha out, but I was excited to be closer to being home. I pop open Lucille’s trunk (She’s my car) toss them groceries, push the cart to the cart holder, and jump in my car. As I was jumping in, the gentleman that was behind me in line briskly walked over to my car with a skimp bag. He’s says with the biggest, and no lie, kind of creepy grin ever, “Miss, here’s your apples!”. I smiled and even felt a little moved. I said, “You purchased my apples? Wow, I appreciate you doing that”. He said, “It was my pleasure, have a good night”. He turned, walked away, and got into his car.
I took a second to thank God for that moment, but keep in mind it was a short second because I had to dip out of that parking lot and make sure I wasn’t followed. I’m hypervigilant. I appreciate any acts of kindness I receive, because for some reason I don’t get them often (Perhaps I’m too independent for my own good sometimes). Hmmmm….
Thanks for reading.
“At one point or another, your life will change. You will turn corners and come upon new blessings and challenges in your lifetime. This can be a positive experience, because it means that God is ready to change you and bring you into a new season of blessing. God never made you with the intention of staying the same. Instead, He made you so that you would change and grow and move forward. God is not in the business of becoming stagnant and never changing. God has promised you that He will never leave you or be too far away. Even though you may turn a corner without knowing what is on the other side, God knows. He will not allow you to trip or stumble when you’re following Him completely. So go ahead and turn those corners in confidence with God at your side!”
I read this in an email from TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria that my aunt and/or mother tends to send to me daily during the work week. It is a good message that I am open to hearing. I’ll take all of the encouragement I can get! I find comfort in trusting in the Lord, as individuals in my life have proven to function selfishly and inconsiderate of me at times. This is life and I accept it; for me it ain’t a thing, because God is always there!
Happy Wednesday from #UnitedIndependence!
What does your inner critic say to you and how does it affect your ability to take risks? If you had to name your inner critic, what you name it?
The above prompt was shared to me by one of my best friends and sorority sister, @LambdaLady2 (Twitter). She stated that one of her coworkers posted these questions on her gchat and I take it my sister here was pondering this morning. So she sent it my way and suggested I consider preparing a response and blogging about it. Well, alright, why not? 😉
The above questions are rather deep and if you’ve followed my blog you would notice that I tend to be quite introspective and engage in self-reflection and self-evaluation on the regular. My response to this will not be a lengthy one; I have hit what my inner critic sometimes hollers at me in previous blogs, so I’ll provide a general overview.
That pesky inner critic that sometimes declares war on my psyche can be downright brutal. Not only is it quick to highlight my short-comings and limitations, it doesn’t hold back in detailing what I could have done either better or differently in every situation I encounter. Sometimes it talks to me in a negative tone, even making the strong claims that I will not make it or I’m not good enough or even that I’m undeserving. It even takes jabs at my family tree, comparing and contrasting me with both the past and present, emphasizing our downfalls as a family unit (Ouch).
As I write this, several different life incidences are playing back in my mind where my inner critic has absolutely affected my ability to take risks, but I’m smiling here because I have used my dear inner critic as jet fuel to get me where I am today. Looking back, I believe my inner critic hindered me more significantly as a younger person. I believe I really started growing up in the past year or two and have more confidence when I respond to it. I can look my inner critic in the face today, ya know? Yea, no more shying away; I’m a big girl now. LOL. Yea, today, I believe in myself and even when I get thrown off my path or I start toying around with my inner critic’s little homie, self-doubt, I’m able to put things back into perspective and keep my eyes on the prize. I do tend to get what I want, eventually.
Hmm, what would I name my inner critic you ask? Right now, the name Charlie is coming to mind. Sike, nah. LOL. I would call it “Motivation”, yea, that is fitting!
As always, thank you for stopping by. Feel free to comment. Great Prompt! Thanks @LambdaLady2 for sending!
Tell us about your first day at something — your first day of school, first day of work, first day living on your own, first day blogging, first day as a parent, whatever.
I went on a solo vacation trip a few weeks ago to a mountainous area in my home state (I’m fortunate to have access to vacation property). The drive is actually only about max 2.5hours away from my home, thus out of town, but still relatively close by if I needed to make a break. Lol. Originally, I had reserved the vacation time and was excited to share and enjoy the property with my special someone, but things changed and that plan was no longer applicable. :-\ With those unforeseen changes I didn’t make the effort to either rent my place out for a profit, or invite friends to join me. So, I planned to follow through with my time off and go by my damn self.
I mean, Heck! Why not? I desperately needed the break, I worked hard for it, and am totally capable of doing whatever I want. At the very last minute I did extend an invite to friends, but it was too short-notice, and frankly I’m glad. As the day of my departure came near, I began to feel both anxious and extremely excited for my trip. I noticed my thoughts cycled between empowerment and self-doubt. I have never vacationed solo before, but I told myself, “honey, you got this”. 😉 I researched activities and set daily goals for while I was away. I prepared myself and off I went!
While away, I got interesting feedback from people in my life. Some questioned me, “Is everything alright?”. Some showed concerned, “Please be careful!”. Some others showed, what’s the word I’m looking for…….. Hate, oh yes, that’s it, “Who vacations by themselves?” Lol! People are so funny, I tells ya. Hate only fuels a person like me, so thank you!
The first day of my trip, I instantaneously felt reinvigorated! I felt super excited and accomplished. It was amazing! Especially since for the past two or three months or so I had been feeling so many negative things (overwhelmed, work burnout, rejected, unloved, unattractive, devalued, undeserving, unappreciated, just to name a few). Ewe! Feels gross to even write that, but I was beat; I was really spent and exhausted! I am only human and not above hardship and emotional turmoil; I realize I was simply going through a transition period.
But, let me tell you, the removal from my daily living environment was exactly what I needed to reevaluate myself….family, social network/relationships, career, passions, all included…. That first day helped boost my confidence and was the start to a shift in perspective. I took in the fresh crisp air of a higher altitude, the beauty in the landscape, and the calm and peaceful vibe of the small town and got back on track! I remember feeling completely content with myself. I was all smiles and actually satisfied. I was grateful and appreciative for the opportunity to even get away. I felt blessed. I felt my strength increase and felt change coming. I felt bold and brave. I felt worth more than I was getting and started on a revised game plan. It was wonderful! I totally recommend a scheduled time-out for everyone!
Stay focused and stay blessed Readers! Don’t allow anything to stand in your way. Prove the naysayers wrong!
That 2015 Lexus is sexy right!?!? I Need One! Lol
Sitting in my car before I head to church, randomly thinking…..People come and they go is right! It’s funny that the people who hurt you the most, swore they’d never do it. I thought I had lost a friend, well, that may be true, but I also gained a lesson. You ever experience that moment when the light turns green in your life? This is the time when you throw yourself into gear, hit the gas, and go for it honey! 😉
acceptance, communication, Daily posts, encouragement, first time blogger, Friendship, healthy living, inner beauty, Love, mental health, mindfulness, Pop culture, Relationships, respect, self-reflection, spirituality
Demons…We all have them, and if you want to function at your most optimal level, you must face them jokers. The thing is, my demons are mine, I’m aware of them, and I own them muthafuqqas. But guess what, though they contribute to who I am, they don’t define me. Can you say the same? That’s what you should be worried about, and I’m speaking to you adult persons out there. Depending on the day, I may look into the mirror and see the negative, the past traumas, the short-comings, the failures, the bruised ego, the rejection, the hurt, staring back at me. The thing is, as I age and mature, I actually smile back, because without all of those “things”, I wouldn’t be the awesome person I have become, the awesome person that I am today. (High-Five to Self!)
This year has consisted of several personal changes and growth for me, after being in a rut the year before when I had to deal with familial relationships and complications, changes at work, and some health challenges (hypothyroidism). This year has also been a bit challenging, yet, overall enjoyable and productive. I have accepted and taken risks on different levels from my career to my relationships; I’ve won some and lost some, but definitely have come out on top. I have learned a lot and have actually shifted perspectives on a lot of things. I have better determined what I want vs. what I do not want; I have identified problem areas and have taken steps in the efforts to effectively address those problem areas; I have established/re-established and reinforced personal boundaries; I have remained true to myself; and more importantly, I have not allowed fear to hold me back, actually, from anything.
I had some support this year too, even support from a new source. It was much appreciated and came right on time. It helped to propel me forward, but also what it did was test me. This source originally helped me along, but then turned around and tested me a bit… Hmmmm…. Without getting into too much detail, what started as assistance, turned into a hindrance. This isn’t a bad thing, though. See what happened is that new source, served its purpose and is no longer valid in my life. That’s when the art of “Letting Go” comes into play. 😉 **waves goodbye**
As I write this, I feel so grateful that I’m able to stand tall no matter what. I’m able to do my best to get what I need out of this life. I’m able to face anyone and anything as my true self and accept the outcomes. I have the patience, consideration, understanding, and empathy of a flippin’ saint sometimes. What I remind myself is that as long as I have remained true to myself in all of the situations that I encounter, I can’t go wrong. It is funny how we say that we appreciate and value honesty/integrity, loyalty, and respect from others, because, not even a small fraction of us really mean that. No matter what though, I do what I want, I am who I am, and I’m straightforward. I get the job done and frankly, I don’t want to be around anyone or anything who/that isn’t strong, confident, and winning at this game of life…. with your demons and all.
There’s no issue in being flawed; I haven’t met a perfect soul yet! It’s how you work them flaws and compensate with your strengths. It’s about your character!!! My life story so far includes so much disappointment….my goodness…. but I’m still here and have accomplished more than a lot of folks. And for that, I’m grateful. And I am cool with my character! I’m proud of me, and I love me! Again, can you say the same?
In the spirit of the Thanksgiving Holiday, be grateful folks! Recognize how far you’ve come! If you’ve done your best, all you can do is be proud and content with your efforts, in spite of the outcomes! Punch your demons in the face and allow your beautiful selves to shine ever so brightly!
Daily posts, encouragement, exercise, first time blogger, fitness, healthy living, Love, mental health, mindfulness, Music, Pop culture, psychology, random thought, Relationships, self-reflection, spirituality
“I never want to come down from you.”
Serotonin, a neurotransmitter primarily found in our Gastrointestinal tracts (GI tract), platelets, and Central Nervous Systems (CNS), is popularly thought to be a contributor to feelings of well-being and happiness. Who doesn’t just absolutely love it when they are experiencing the wonderful feelings of sheer bliss? I took some time out to meditate today and recall a few different happy moments throughout my life. It was nice, I’m all smiles today. We know that negative moods are associated with negative outcomes, and in the words of the wise Sweet Brown, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
We have to keep our mind, body, and spirit up! That is if we are planning on making it in this world. So, brothers and sisters,
#1 – Turn them frowns upside down – Get your mind right!,
#2 – Let’s get up in the gym and work on our fitness – Come on now, Beer and Wings are only going to get you but so far…, and
#3- Give it up to your higher power – Do what you want, but my HP is the Holy Trinity.
We “goin’ up, on a Tuesday!” LOL Happy Tuesday followers! I challenge you to take a holistic approach to your life….. Being great isn’t easy, is it? But, we got this!
…JK, but not really. Lol… 😉
(Lovely foto found online……………….)
Shout out to the Holy Trinity! I’m on a personal spiritual journey in efforts to get closer to my Higher Power. There’s something definitely missing in my life and I believe that I’m moving in the right direction here. So, regardless of your beliefs, etc., how’s your spirituality looking these days? Hmmm, Give it some thought… Feel free to comment. 🙂